Saturday, Dec. 17th
Star Trek Next Generation (BBC America, 6 pm) Before entering Starfleet Academy, Wesley accompanies Picard on a mission that jeopardizes the captain’s life.
Shut up, Wesley.
CNN Newsroom (CNN, 7 pm) Breaking news.
All of it bad.
Fox Report (Fox News Channel, 7 pm) Analysis and interpretation of the day’s lead stories.
The same bad news, “interpreted” by Fox.
Jerry Lewis Method to the Madness (Encore, 8 pm) Candid, unfiltered conversations with the comic; interviews with Eddie Murphy, Chevy Chase, Alec Baldwin, Carl Reiner, Phyllis Diller, and others.
Have you seen Phyllis Diller lately? She looks like a psychotic clown after a 7-day prescription drug-fueled debauch.
Matrix Revolutions (G4, 8 pm) Neo, Morpheus and Trinity prepare for a final battle against vicious machines set to invade Zion.
You could watch it again. It’ll still suck.
Oddities (Science, 9 pm) Mike & Ryan scramble to find the skeleton of a little racecar driver.
Jeez, why can’t they let the little guy rest in peace?
Suze Orman Show (CNBC, 9 pm) A $10K Rolex; a $750 yellow lab puppy.
Are those good ideas, Suze?
CMA Country Christmas (ABC, 9 pm) Performances include Lauren Alaina, Amy Grant, Faith Hill, Little Big Town, Martina McBride, Scotty McCreery, Braid Paisley and Kellie Pickler.
Maybe McCreepy and the Pickler will sing a duet!
Dina’s Party (HGTV, 9:30 pm) Dina plans a party in a New Jersey Home.
You know there’ll be an ice sculpture. Or six.
Mythbusters (Discovery, 10 pm) Exploring holiday myths and viewers’ favorites determined from online polling. Hosts: Jamie Hyneman and Adam Savage.
Shame, shame on Jaime and Adam if they say there’s no Santa.
Sunday, Dec. 18th
Brian Boitano Skating Spectacular (NBC, 4 pm) With musical guest Chicago. Starring Michael Weiss, Steven Cousins, Ryan Bradley, Yuka Sato, Sinead and John Kerr, Jim Navarro and Brent Bommentre, and Elena Leonova and Andrei Khvalko.
Whenever I’m in a quandary, I just ask myself: “What would Brian Boitano do?”
Survivor: South Pacific (CBS, 8 pm) Finale
It’s gonna take two hours to find out which one of these unwashed bums wins. Pee now.
Survivor: South Pacific (CBS, 10 pm) Reunion
Raise your hand if you hope God is in the studio audience.
Once Upon a Time (ABC, 8 pm) Repeat.
This show’s in repeats already?? It’s been on, what, twice?
My Big Fat Gypsy Christmas (TLC, 8 pm) Travelers celebrate Christmas, extravagant weddings and First Communions.
“Travelers” sounds so much nicer than “drifter grifters” doesn’t it?
NFL Football (NBC, 8:15 pm) Baltimore Ravens at San Diego Chargers.
Survivor dragged it out for 2 hrs. The NFL will drag this thing out for 3 HOURS AND 15 MINUTES.
Real Housewives of Atlanta (Bravo, 9 pm) Kim and her family move into a mansion; Sheree and Phaedra’s relationship gets rocky; Kandi steers her music in a new direction; Cynthia throws a party.
Sheree would have done better to call 1-800-lawyr-up.
Dexter (Showtime, 9 pm) Dexter and the Homicide team race to catch the Doomsday Killers before their final act; Deb copes with a new emotional reality.
Do they make Hallmark cards for someone dealing with a new emotional reality?
Kourney and Kim Take New York (E!, 10 pm) Kim feels betrayed when Jonathan writes a tell all book about her; Scott wants to reconnect with his Jewish roots.
By golly, if anybody is going to over-expose Kim, it’s gonna be Kim.
All-American Muslim (TLC, 10 pm) The month of Ramadan ends; a victory is crucial if the team is to make it into the play-offs.
Oh yah! Allah is great. Youbetcha!