TVgasm Investigates: Glass House LIVE!

I took it upon myself to spend an hour of my life the past two afternoons to watch the live-streaming of The Glass House contestants. Remember these are the people that ABC has locked away in hopes of premiering this show on July 18th, if CBS will let them. The Honorable Judge Gary Jees will decide that today (June 15th). Let’s move on to more serious business like, is Glass House anything like Big Brother? I’ve seen a total of 2 hours so far and I can honestly say NO! It’s like a reality game show and reminds me more of the show Solitary 2.0 on FOX Reality TV than anything else.

Of course, they only give us one hour a day to watch these people. The time is spent playing games and telling them what to do. Actually, I take that back, yesterday started with choosing to have them either tell us “their biggest regret in life” or “if they had a magic lamp, what are their 3 wishes”? Viewers opted for the regret stories.

Irish Mike is the oldest dude in the house. True story time. He regrets that he ran over a mama bunny and didn’t kill her. So he runs over it again and again. Then he sees that she had a ton of baby bunnies sitting on the side of the road. Now they don’t have a mama any more. He feels like shit now. So what does Mike do? He runs over all the babies until they’re all dead, too. He regrets that he had to do that, BUT he didn’t cry. That’s a real man!

Erica likes to dance like nobody’s watching!  Her biggest regret is that she was too fucking lazy to do the work when she had the chance. She didn’t get a good education and now she’s a dumb-ass cocktail waitress, but she likes the tips!

Jacob has been preparing to be on TV his whole life. He regrets that he sent out over 40 letters to modeling agencies and he got a ton of contracts back, but he didn’t sign on with any of them. They were just too far away from home. If he had, he’d be “Ryan Gosling” famous by now!

Little Stephanie hid in the “Twitter Room” (GH’s version of the Diary Room) to tell us that she regretted not dating in college and became a bore instead of a whore! Maybe being on TV will change zzzzzzzzzzz…….

I was beginning to regret watching these people. Ashley regretted not being able to have more kids. (I think she has 3 or 4 already.) “Hollywood” regretted faking his death, just so he could ditch his girlfriend. Hunky Kevin, our police officer, regretted not serving 4 more years in the military (sucking up those brownie points). Apollo, the resident poet, regret his past life of chasing money and material things. He promised the viewers to be a total free spirit and be nothing but honest in every way. Mike’s gonna run him over with a car.

After all that regret crap (that took too long), the voice from above…. Oh I forgot to tell you about her. It is a “her”. She is the one who talks to both the contestants and the viewers throughout the hour. They call her “The Oracle” and the viewers on-line have been calling her “The Fairy”. She sounds like VAL to me (from Solitary 2.0). By the way, she has asked that viewers give her an official name by voting on-line and on Twitter with the winning name being announced on premiere night. I think they should give her a voice like Roseanne or Joan Rivers. At least give us a laugh when she talks.

Okay, where was I…. Oh, they were told to play a game called “Guess the Sketch” and they had to divide into two teams; Boys vs Girls. This is probably how it’s going to work every Monday night. They pick a captain, who goes into the livingroom to see on the big-screen TV what the viewers have chosen for them to draw. The captain then goes back into the large bedroom and draws it on the glass door. They have one minute and then the other team has a chance to figure it out. Then it’s the other teams turn. Simple as Pictionary!