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Hi there Gasmii, it feels like we are in the High Holidays of the Real Housewives, what with Atlanta wrapping up, Jersey just starting, and the OC flaring up like an old hooker’s herpes, so it’s time to do a little pondering.
Now Kim Zolciak is the gold standard for Real Housewives trashiness, but how do the other ladies measure up to Kim’s fake hair, wine swilling, and no sense of shame lifestyle?
Today we are going to look at facets of the Tao of Zolciak and see who has the most in common with Atlanta’s biggest market for human hair. (Please note, that everything listed below is based on what I’ve read on the interweb, because they couldn’t type it if it wasn’t true.)
Kim, the gold standard of Housewife Trashiness
Fake Hair: Adrienne, Kim, Brandi, Lisa (I know, I was shocked too, but this very nice lady online told me so it must be true), Tamra, Gretchen, Alexis and Phaedra
Fake Boobs and/or Plastic Surgery: (I’m putting these two together because Kim admits to having two boob jobs, and says she only gets botox to treat her migraines): Everybody. Well everybody but Kandi. She doesn’t look like she’s had any work done, and I like her, so we’ll give her the benefit of the doubt.
Smoking: Imagine my surprise when I read that the Countess is rumored to smoke off camera. There might be some other Housewives out there who smoke, but when you type smoking and Real Housewives into Google The only things that come up are stories about Kim and of course, Alison DuBois and her electric ciggie from season 1 of Beverly Hills.
Wine: If you sign up for Real Housewives, you have to be able to knock back the vino, but there are a couple of people for whom it seems to be part of the plot. Ramona (Pinot Grigio!), and Lisa Vanderplump (note, Lisa doesn’t drink anywhere near as much as Kim, but if I have to watch her spend an episode every season spitting wine in a silver urn then she’s on the list)
Nursing: The Countess (she lists being trained as a vocational nurse on her Wikipedia page)
“Chic C’est La Vie”
Fake Music Career: The Countess (my God, it’s starting to look like these two were separated at birth, huh?), Melissa Gorga, and well Gretchen’s whole Pussycat Dolls fiasco.
Has At Least One Child Who We Can All Agree Is A Real Piece of Work: NeNe, Teresa, Jacqueline, and Tamra
Has Personal Assistant Even Though She Doesn’t Really Do Anything: (It’s too bad Camille is leaving Beverley Hills, she had an army of friendployees and could have swept this catagory) I’m going to go with Gretchen here and her “manager” Slade here even though Sweetie and Kim always got along way better with each other, and yes that includes after when Kim fired Sweetie.
If any two people were going to have this picture, you just knew that these two would be the ones to have it
Got or Getting Her Own Spinoff: Kandi, and Lisa. If Phaedra were able to get NeNe into a coffin, we could hear it spinning right now.
Worked at a Strip Club: (Note, the gossip is that Kim was a stripper, but she says she was just a waitress, so we will just be listing anyone who has been involved in the titty club industry): NeNe, Jacqueline, Melissa
Cancer: Tamra, and indirectly Vicki
Admitted She Didn’t Have Cancer: Kim’s all alone on that one
Had a Big Poppa: Kim is, so far, the only Real Housewife to have had some guy off camera paying her bills for the privilege of her company. That said, Gretchen’s rich old guy, who is now in the Big Gentlemen’s Club in the sky, left her enough money to adopt a Slade Smiley, which is close enough in my book.
Okay, time to tally the score. One point for each quality in common with Zolciak.
0 points: Kandi Buruss
1 Point:Caroline, Sonja, Phaedra, and Kyle Richards
2 Points:Adrienne, Brandi, Kim Richards, Taylor, Vicki, Phaedra, Alexis, Teresa, Jacqueline, Ramona
3 Points: Tamera, NeNe, and Melissa
4 Points: Lisa, and The Countess
5 Points: Gretchen
Ding Ding Ding! Winner, Winner, Chicken Dinner!
Wow, I don’t know about you, but I wasn’t hugely surprised about Gretchen having the most Kim like life, but I did not see Lisa and The Countess being quite so non-tardy for the party.
Then again, this picture is suddenly making loads of sense
Well there you have it, the results are completely non-scientific, but we now have a better idea of how the Housewives match up with each other.
If I made any mistakes please accept my apologies, and set me straight in the comments. As a bonus, and just to prove once again that Wikipedia pages for D-List celebrities are your best sources of humor on the internet, here is a sentence from Kim’s Early Years section:
“At 17, an affair with a 49-year-old Windsor Locks police sergeant who had interviewed her as a material witness in a criminal investigation resulted in a 45-day suspension of the sergeant, who retired two years later.”
Let’s all just say a little prayer that Kim Zolciak never changes.
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