-
TV Social
Login
Recent Comments
- Classy Drunk: Agreed Clair. I get confused quite a bit myself so I HAVE to read the recaps...
- Classy Drunk: @Derek…I was going to say the same thing. Bad Girl is probably one of my favorite trashy reality...
- Derek Hazelton: I think since we’re posting about our favorite memories: I remember the RHOA recaps from a few...
- PinkTop: I’m heartbroken.
- brebay: 1. rudimentary 2. WTF?????? None of your post makes any sense, is it meant to be...
- captain picard: So very sad! This site has been my go to sanctuary since 2007! Can’t believe it.
- blazergirl: @sororsalsa, the word is that Sabra had a falling out with either Nigel or the show (not...
- MargoRita: While we’re on the \Cora\ subject, can we PLEASE not forget to mention a...
- zbird: I have been around here for. ever. Since the B-side and J-unit days. Remember Honey Bunny? Yeah. I do. This...
- zbird: ^^^ Doesn’t do well with change. *whimper* Such a bummer.
Hot Shows
-
Fresh Tweets!
Error: Twitter did not respond. Please wait a few minutes and refresh this page.
Monday, April 30, 2012
3:00 pm
18 Comments
Hi there Gasmii, it feels like we are in the High Holidays of the Real Housewives, what with Atlanta wrapping up, Jersey just starting, and the OC flaring up like an old hooker’s herpes, so it’s time to do a little pondering.
Now Kim Zolciak is the gold standard for Real Housewives trashiness, but how do the other ladies measure up to Kim’s fake hair, wine swilling, and no sense of shame lifestyle?
Today we are going to look at facets of the Tao of Zolciak and see who has the most in common with Atlanta’s biggest market for human hair. (Please note, that everything listed below is based on what I’ve read on the interweb, because they couldn’t type it if it wasn’t true.)
Kim, the gold standard of Housewife Trashiness
Fake Hair: Adrienne, Kim, Brandi, Lisa (I know, I was shocked too, but this very nice lady online told me so it must be true), Tamra, Gretchen, Alexis and Phaedra
Fake Boobs and/or Plastic Surgery: (I’m putting these two together because Kim admits to having two boob jobs, and says she only gets botox to treat her migraines): Everybody. Well everybody but Kandi. She doesn’t look like she’s had any work done, and I like her, so we’ll give her the benefit of the doubt.
Smoking: Imagine my surprise when I read that the Countess is rumored to smoke off camera. There might be some other Housewives out there who smoke, but when you type smoking and Real Housewives into Google The only things that come up are stories about Kim and of course, Alison DuBois and her electric ciggie from season 1 of Beverly Hills.
Wine: If you sign up for Real Housewives, you have to be able to knock back the vino, but there are a couple of people for whom it seems to be part of the plot. Ramona (Pinot Grigio!), and Lisa Vanderplump (note, Lisa doesn’t drink anywhere near as much as Kim, but if I have to watch her spend an episode every season spitting wine in a silver urn then she’s on the list)
Nursing: The Countess (she lists being trained as a vocational nurse on her Wikipedia page)
“Chic C’est La Vie”
Fake Music Career: The Countess (my God, it’s starting to look like these two were separated at birth, huh?), Melissa Gorga, and well Gretchen’s whole Pussycat Dolls fiasco.
Has At Least One Child Who We Can All Agree Is A Real Piece of Work: NeNe, Teresa, Jacqueline, and Tamra
Has Personal Assistant Even Though She Doesn’t Really Do Anything: (It’s too bad Camille is leaving Beverley Hills, she had an army of friendployees and could have swept this catagory) I’m going to go with Gretchen here and her “manager” Slade here even though Sweetie and Kim always got along way better with each other, and yes that includes after when Kim fired Sweetie.
If any two people were going to have this picture, you just knew that these two would be the ones to have it
Got or Getting Her Own Spinoff: Kandi, and Lisa. If Phaedra were able to get NeNe into a coffin, we could hear it spinning right now.
Worked at a Strip Club: (Note, the gossip is that Kim was a stripper, but she says she was just a waitress, so we will just be listing anyone who has been involved in the titty club industry): NeNe, Jacqueline, Melissa
Cancer: Tamra, and indirectly Vicki
Admitted She Didn’t Have Cancer: Kim’s all alone on that one
Had a Big Poppa: Kim is, so far, the only Real Housewife to have had some guy off camera paying her bills for the privilege of her company. That said, Gretchen’s rich old guy, who is now in the Big Gentlemen’s Club in the sky, left her enough money to adopt a Slade Smiley, which is close enough in my book.
Okay, time to tally the score. One point for each quality in common with Zolciak.
0 points: Kandi Buruss
1 Point:Caroline, Sonja, Phaedra, and Kyle Richards
2 Points:Adrienne, Brandi, Kim Richards, Taylor, Vicki, Phaedra, Alexis, Teresa, Jacqueline, Ramona
3 Points: Tamera, NeNe, and Melissa
4 Points: Lisa, and The Countess
5 Points: Gretchen
Ding Ding Ding! Winner, Winner, Chicken Dinner!
Wow, I don’t know about you, but I wasn’t hugely surprised about Gretchen having the most Kim like life, but I did not see Lisa and The Countess being quite so non-tardy for the party.
Then again, this picture is suddenly making loads of sense
Well there you have it, the results are completely non-scientific, but we now have a better idea of how the Housewives match up with each other.
If I made any mistakes please accept my apologies, and set me straight in the comments. As a bonus, and just to prove once again that Wikipedia pages for D-List celebrities are your best sources of humor on the internet, here is a sentence from Kim’s Early Years section:
“At 17, an affair with a 49-year-old Windsor Locks police sergeant who had interviewed her as a material witness in a criminal investigation resulted in a 45-day suspension of the sergeant, who retired two years later.”
Let’s all just say a little prayer that Kim Zolciak never changes.
To get the funniest quotes from TVgasm recaps as they’re posted, follow us on Twitter. You can post your favorite lines right back at us. If you want to play games and socialize, like our Facebook page! We’re also now on Pinterest and Tumblr! Thanks for being a part of the gasm!
TV Social
-
18 Comments
Kandi and Cynthia have both admitted to lipo. My friend is also convinced that Kandi has gotten some booty injections. (A friend of a friend does them in ATL and has a pretty big clientele. Liquid silicone pumped into the booty. Or, for upstarts, Fix-A-Flat will do.)
Okay..back to reading.
I don’t care if she had lipo and a fake butt sewed on, this article still proves Kandi’s just not trashy enough to be on Real Housewives.
Nothing personal against her.
But WaffleBoy did arithmetic and made a chart.
‘Has At Least One Child Who We Can All Agree Is A Real Piece of Work: NeNe, Teresa, Jacqueline, and Tamra’
please don’t forget the YouTube video of the Countless’ daughter, Victoria, that was leaked by Ramona on Twitter last season.. It didn’t make the show’s editing, but it happened during the taping of Chic C’est la Vie in Atlantic City.
The Countess stormed off to her room when she was told about it, with Jill ,I believe, to comfort her. lol
The video by the way showed Victoria smoking a doobie on Skype with a girlfriend and using a racial slur.
Ramona deleted the tweet almost immediately (after she was called out on it) but it was and still may be out there..
Beyond that, I think the Vickster slipped (literally ,as in off the roof) out of the Hampton home one night and broke an arm or leg. Not sure of that one. She was expelled from her NYC Private school and ended up taking her schooling year round in the Hamptons. My memory for this is shaky but I saw the Doobie video and know that one is factual.
Therefore, you can add Countless to the list of having Allegedly troubled daughters.
So, even in Reality, Life Goes on. Has At Least One Child Who We Can All Agree Is A Real Piece of Work: NeNe, Teresa, Jacqueline, and Tamra
Ha!! GOTCHA!! That Froot Loop Taylor Armstrong smokes!! She fired up in the limo, on her way home from FREAKING out in Malibu at Brandi’s party. It was all part of her magnificent breakdown!!
Oh, I didn’t know that, and I feel horrible for completely forgetting about Cynthia. It’s good to hear that Kandi has at least one point. When I was adding things up I was thinking none? How did she even get on the show
Crap I forgot about that! Thanks for reminding me, and it makes a lot more sense for Taylor to be in the group with Teresa,, NeNe, and Taylor. Personally, I thought it was interesting to look at how people ended up grouped together on this list.
Good point, I knew that but didn’t put the Countess on the list for that one, because she at least has the common sense to keep her troubled teen away from the cameras, but she probably should have gotten a point for that. Oh and I almost gave Gretchen a point on this one, because I just don’t think Slade is getting the direction in his life that he needs right now
Kandi might not have a wig, but there’s plenty of fake hair in the ATL! The weaves this season should definitely earn them a few points. Especially Kandi’s reunion ponytail, lol.
And don’t feel too bad about forgetting Cynthia. She’s used to that.
Kandi had a man dip his ding-a-ling in her cocktail in full view of her mom.
She taught us how to make “vagina syrup.”
I’m gonna say she qualifies.
Re: Phaedra and the fake hair… I can confirm this is true. I saw her last week at Mercedes Benz of Buckhead and the pony tail was… well, lets say… giddy-up (some horses missing their hair). Homegirl was dressed straight up from the gym (I had on sweats and a tired T-shirt so, I have no room to talk about some ones appearance). She seemed nice, talking to some guys in the bay and did not seem like a diva. Was going to talk to her but… I have a life. I would pay Comcast extra cash for a channel devoted to Phea and her mom just saying “Mmmmmm-Hmmmm……Mmmmmmmm-Hmmmmm..” for 28 minutes.
Kandi has had her mouth widened.
It’s the latest thing.
I know she’s long gone from the NY franchise, but does Bethany Frankel have a point from the Kim Hand(job)book since she officially has her own spin-off?
She certainly does in my book. That has been the most fun for me about this post, is that no matter how classy these women pretend to be, it’s a game of 6 Degrees of Kim Zolciak for the whole bunch of them
SMH, where do you come up with this stuff?
I got eyes! Have you LOOKED at Kandi? Her mouth wraps around to the side of her head! Dental assistants call in back-up when she goes for a cleaning! That shit ain’t right, yo.
Yes of course I have but, it’s amusing how much we think alike.
I just think to myself : “Why so serioussss?” when she talks and leave it alone. You phrase it in the most HI-larious way.
*golf clap*
No that shit ain’t right at all.
Deco, this is a tad late, but never too late to dish, amiright? Here’s a link to Glamour Mag that presents a different view of the Vickster: http://www.glamour.com/entertainment/2012/04/real-housewives-daughters-confess-glamour-exclusive-may-2012.
In the article she interviews, “At my school, everyone’s really down-to-earth. But before, when I was at boarding school, there were some instances when I thought teachers were harder on me because of the show. My roommate would ask for extra help and I would ask for extra help, and I would never get it. The teacher would make comments to me—nothing bad—but I’d notice it. I can feel when there’s a weird tension.”
Those are both achievements in trashiness! But I didn’t think we could count them.
Since all her sex stuff was after she’d been on a while. And I think she’d been talked to. So that was how she got to stay on the show.
But I just remembered the other day somebody posted about Alexis saying Simon sat behind her head and came in his pants while she was having a baby.
It was in her book nobody read!
So she should get some points for that.