Now there is the low level self-absorbed dipshitery that you need to sign up to stage fake fights at fake parties about people raping your cake bow, and then there is taking your dipshittedness to a whole other level. There are some people who are either blessed with being full fledged natural born morons, and others make a highly conscious effort to shed IQ points like your family cat shedding fur around a new couch, who are the dipshits’ dipshits.
The prime example of working at stupid is the entire cast of Jersey Shore, all of whom are 33rd degree, black belt dipshits , lead by the current uber-dipshit of all dipshits, Snooki. If you pee on a disco floor and your only response is to giggle, not only will nobody ever be cheating off you during a big math test, they probably wouldn’t cheat off you if they gave tests in PE either. And that’s some serious dipshitery Charlie Potatoes.
By the way, this isn’t some new wrinkle in the evolution of reality TV. Everyone on it have always been dipshits. Paris Hilton was (and is, but we don’t have to watch her anymore) a dipshit. Flava Fave was a dipshit. Any women who competed for Fave’s affections was a dipshit.
Okay part of the reason you see so many dipshits on reality TV is that they are the ones who can’t wait to sign up, but there is a viewing reason why these people are on TV. They make us feel good about our lives. No matter how bad your living arrangements, job, or romantic entanglements, that person you are watching on TV who is on the cover of People twice a month? That dipshit still can’t figure out how to work the Goddamned can opener, and that beats a Criminal Minds repeat any night of the week.
You can’t have drama without conflict, and the best person to generate conflict is a super self-absorbed jackwagon with no social skills. Say hello to The Asshole, the little engine that drives all reality shows.
Now the tricky part about reality shows is that you have to keep the obvious direction to a minimum. This is because none of the people can act, so asking them to express specific emotions is almost guaranteed to end badly. Remember the letter in season 2 of Jersey Shore?
This is where the asshole comes in handy. You only have to do such subtle things like putting them in a room with a person they don’t like, bringing up a subject somebody doesn’t want to talk about, or if all else fails just get some booze into them, and at a bare minimum somebody is going to get offended. Or if you’re super lucky you get weave pulling, parts of people being pixilated out, and then watching the dipshits and assholes try to explain what just happened to the cops. Or as I like to call this, a Bad Girls reunion episode.
This is a good time to point out that there are actually several sub-species of your basic reality TV Asshole. Here are a few of the most common seen on TV
- The Douchenator: Young to not so young guy who works out or at least did work out at some point in his life. It doesn’t matter, would wander around a glacier in just a bathing suit and flip flops. Ego is usually bigger then the Hindenburg. Thinks he’s god’s gift to women, and is, much in the same way that syphilis could be viewed as God’s gift to humanity. That is to say not at all. Is an expert in male fashion trends that died out eight years ago. Sees himself as a man’s man even though he had more skin care products then your mom. If Lesbianism was a life-style choice this guy would be its Johnny Appleseed.
- The Rage-O-Holic: Comes in one of two flavors.
- The 24/7 rage-o-holic: Is often described as a complete and utter lunatic. They have no filter. Would take a tire iron to a nun if they felt the nun was eyeballing them. A constant roiling ball of anger and indignation that is great for getting plenty of footage for the next episode. The main downside to this person is you spend a lot of time bailing them out of jail, and fending off lawsuits.
- The Slow Boil Rage-o-holic. These bad boys are tricky. For most of the season they appear perfectly sane, and even like someone you wouldn’t mind hanging out with in real life. Everything is fine until bam! They completely lose their poop and go off on some poor unsuspecting bastard who had no idea what was coming their way. Way more scary then the 24/7. If they worked at the post office, you’d be seeing them on the nightly news.
- The Mega-Mind: Usually seen on contest shows. Loves mind games and getting the better of other contestants through intricate plans. Lives to look deeply into the camera and assure us they are not there to make friends. Has absolutely no idea that he or she is a serious mega-dipshit.