TVgasm Investigates: The 6 People You Meet On A Reality Show

Watercooler

By WaffleBoy | Monday, July 16, 2012 | 6:00 am | 24 Comments
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Posted in: TVgasm Investigates, Watercooler

Now there is the low level self-absorbed dipshitery that you need to sign up to stage fake fights at fake parties about people raping your cake bow, and then there is taking your dipshittedness to a whole other level. There are some people who are either blessed with being full fledged natural born morons, and others make a highly conscious effort to shed IQ points like your family cat shedding fur around a new couch, who are the dipshits’ dipshits. 

The prime example of working at stupid is the entire cast of Jersey Shore, all of whom are 33rd degree, black belt dipshits , lead by the current uber-dipshit of all dipshits, Snooki. If you pee on a disco floor and your only response is to  giggle, not only will nobody ever be cheating off you during a big math test, they probably wouldn’t cheat off you if they gave tests in PE either. And that’s some serious dipshitery Charlie Potatoes.

By the way, this isn’t some new wrinkle in the evolution of reality TV. Everyone on it have always been dipshits. Paris Hilton was (and is, but we don’t have to watch her anymore) a dipshit. Flava Fave was a dipshit. Any women who competed for Fave’s affections was a dipshit.

Okay part of the reason you see so many dipshits on reality TV is that they are the ones who can’t wait to sign up, but there is a viewing reason why these people are on TV. They make us feel good about our lives. No matter how bad your living arrangements, job, or romantic entanglements, that person you are watching on TV who is on the cover of People twice a month? That dipshit still can’t figure out how to work the Goddamned can opener, and that beats a Criminal Minds repeat any night of the week.

 

The Asshole

You can’t have drama without conflict, and the best person to generate conflict is a super self-absorbed jackwagon with no social skills. Say hello to The Asshole, the little engine that drives all reality shows.

 

Now the tricky part about reality shows is that you have to keep the obvious direction to a minimum. This is because none of the people can act, so asking them to express specific emotions is almost guaranteed to end badly. Remember the letter in season 2 of Jersey Shore? 

This is where the asshole comes in handy. You only have to do such subtle things like putting them in a room with a person they don’t like, bringing up a subject somebody doesn’t want to talk about, or if all else fails just get some booze into them, and at a bare minimum somebody is going to get offended. Or if you’re super lucky you get weave pulling, parts of people being pixilated out, and then watching the dipshits and assholes try to explain what just happened to the cops. Or as I like to call this, a Bad Girls reunion episode.

This is a good time to point out that there are actually several sub-species of your basic reality TV Asshole. Here are a few of the most common seen on TV

  • The Douchenator: Young to not so young guy who works out or at least did work out at some point in his life. It doesn’t matter, would wander around a glacier in just a bathing suit and flip flops. Ego is usually bigger then the Hindenburg. Thinks he’s god’s gift to women, and is, much in the same way that syphilis could be viewed as God’s gift to humanity. That is to say not at all. Is an expert in male fashion trends that died out eight years ago. Sees himself as a man’s man even though he had more skin care products then your mom. If Lesbianism was a life-style choice this guy would be its Johnny Appleseed.
  • The Rage-O-Holic: Comes in one of two flavors. 
  1. The 24/7 rage-o-holic:  Is often described as a complete and utter lunatic. They have no filter. Would take a tire iron to a nun if they felt the nun was eyeballing them. A constant roiling ball of anger and indignation that is great for getting plenty of footage for the next episode. The main downside to this person is you spend a lot of time bailing them out of jail, and fending off lawsuits.
  2. The Slow Boil Rage-o-holic. These bad boys are tricky. For most of the season they appear perfectly sane, and even like someone you wouldn’t mind hanging out with in real life. Everything is fine until bam! They completely lose their poop and go off on some poor unsuspecting bastard who had no idea what was coming their way. Way more scary then the 24/7. If they worked at the post office, you’d be seeing them on the nightly news.
  • The Mega-Mind: Usually seen on contest shows. Loves mind games and getting the better of other contestants through intricate plans. Lives to look deeply into the camera and assure us they are not there to make friends. Has absolutely no idea that he or she is a serious mega-dipshit.
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About

Waffle's family would like to go on record and say he was raised by raccoons. You eat out of the garbage one time, and everyone suddenly gets judgmental. He's just going to point out, for the last time, with God as his witness, there was ice cream in that carton. However, the fact of the matter is he was born and has lived about 90% of my life in the Bay Area in Northern California. He's a long time cube monkey (office worker), who spends too much time trying to maximize the money he spends on his cable bill, and has a not so healthy love of all things that are dumb and fun, translation: needless explosions, cable neeckedness, and any time Steven Segal attempts to express human emotion only by squinting.

24 Comments

  1. 1
    SuburBint
    Posted July 16, 2012 at 7:16 am

    Sorry, WaffleBoy, but the Doctor can pull off a bow tie. Bow ties are cool.

    This article is freaking brilliant. I could think of at least one example besides the ones that you provided for each personality type, so either I watch waaaay to much reality TV or you were dead right (or both.) I especially loved the bit about about “much in the same say syphilis is God’s gift to humanity.” Filing that one away for future use in conversation.

  2. 2
    itchy itchy
    Posted July 16, 2012 at 7:42 am

    You forgot the Finger-to-the-Sky People. American Idol would be lost without its bible thumpers and their legions of dial-crazy minions. And these days, Survivor would be pretty empty without the obligatory prayer circle. Although it looks like the Mormons are becoming serious competitors for those reality tv religious douche spots.

  3. 3
    NotWithoutMyTV notwithoutmytv
    Posted July 16, 2012 at 7:56 am

    Well played, sir.

  4. 4
    considerthis
    Posted July 16, 2012 at 8:32 am

    Jesse forgot to shave his pubes

  5. 5
    Philo
    Posted July 16, 2012 at 8:44 am

    This is great. I had similar thoughts last Thursday when watching BB. I was trying to guess which houseguests will be the “token (insert stereotype)” this season.

  6. 6
    hot cawfee
    Posted July 16, 2012 at 9:02 am

    Or Flave’s lady friend/contestant who pooped on the floor.

    And we need to explore the Season 2 Phenomenon– when said “stars” have a little camera know-how, alot of self-importance and “handlers/staff” Its obvi our own Tre Guidice has spoken with lawyers, PR folks–the multi-syllable words would be a joy to behold but we know where her knowledge springs from.

  7. 7
    TheMiki themiki
    Posted July 16, 2012 at 9:37 am

    I’m only on page one, but “Dipshitedness” is my new favorite word. Okay, back to reading.

  8. 8
    itchy itchy
    Posted July 16, 2012 at 9:56 am

    I think someone ought to go round Chooch’s house, make sure she didn’t hurt herself when she fainted over that Jesse pic.

  9. 9
    Gypsy Gypsy
    Posted July 16, 2012 at 10:33 am

    Oh I miss me some T-Dollah!

  10. 10
    labowner
    Posted July 16, 2012 at 10:47 am

    “All I know about Hollywood I’ve learned from Tom Haverford – 18,109 days and counting without a job in the industry ” Who were you learning from before Mr. Haverford since he hasn’t been around for 18,109 days?

    Did you not describe every season of the “Real World”?

    My favorite you left out was the innocent, newbie, virgin etc.

    Gypsy wonder what kind of mother she is. I can see blinged out pacifiers etc.

  11. 11
    Gypsy Gypsy
    Posted July 16, 2012 at 11:41 am

    @labowner I immediately said, “Johnny ‘Dumb Bitch’ Bananas” followed by a “Wes is an asshole!”

    And yes I can see her blinging the shit out of everything. I just hope she has learned how to stay up on her own two feet now that she has a little one. Wouldn’t want her having one of her trademark wipeouts with baby in tow.

    Oh LORD, I loved how she just put that girl’s stuff outside and said, “That’s it.” Didn’t even break a nail. Le sigh.

  12. 12
    Classy Drunk classy drunk
    Posted July 16, 2012 at 12:01 pm

    @Itchy, I too am concerned about Chooch and her well being after that picture.

  13. 13
    Sugarbush Sugarbush
    Posted July 16, 2012 at 2:52 pm

    You just described each and every member of Glass House, which is what makes it so damn hard to watch. They didn’t even try to hide it – it’s like they had each player come in holding a sign like “Homo”, “Black Guy”, “Slut”, etc. /snooze

  14. 14
    WaffleBoy
    Posted July 16, 2012 at 6:47 pm

    Hi guys!
    @SuburBint, Okay, when I’m wrong I’m wrong. The Doctor can pull off a bow tie. However, here’s a very incomplete list of people who shouldn’t wear bow ties: anyone on Project Runway, Tucker Carlson, and Alton Brown. AB looks like he halfway between metamorphosising from Dennis the Menace into Andy Rooney.

    @itchy, good call on the finger pointers (Jesus’ Pals?) Although you could make the argument that they are Poster Children, but seeing as I didn’t they get their own category.

    @considerthis “Jesse forgot to shave his pubes.” Or did he? Do you feel that? The skin crawling on the back of your neck? Yeah, that’s a textbook case of the Willies

    @hot cawfee, that’s a good call on the second season. Actually there are all sorts of things that good writers cough, like the rest of the TvGasm staff, cough could really dig their teeth into. Thanks for the idea!

    @themiki, thanks for the compliment. the Big Brother post was great too Thanks!

    @labowner to be fair to Tom Haverford, he’s only had to deal with me not having a job in the industry for about a thousand days. Before that I picked up my knowledge of the Industry from the street, much as I did with sex and geometry. Now that I think about where I’ve been picking up my information, it goes a long ways towards explaining my lack of both a long term relationship, and my inabilty to prove that if both pairs of opposite angles of a quadrilateral are congruent, then the quadrilateral is a parallelogram.

    Anyway, thanks to everyone for the comments, and taking the time to read this

  15. 15
    chooch850 chooch850
    Posted July 16, 2012 at 8:39 pm

    HEY! Waffleboy stole that picture of Jesse from ME! It’s on my desktop. We all know he’s coming back for round 5 of Big Brother. They desperately need some eye candy in that house this season.

  16. 16
    spinal11
    Posted July 17, 2012 at 12:19 am

    “Okay part of the reason you see so many dipshits on reality TV is that they are the ones who can’t wait to sign up, but there is a viewing reason why these people are on TV. They make us feel good about our lives.”

    They actually don’t make me feel good about my life. Not at all. Because that dipshit who can’t read without moving his/her lips made more money for a 2 hour “club appearance” than I did in my 60-hour work week.

    Which is why FUCK reality TV!

  17. 17
    lovesthehobbitses
    Posted July 17, 2012 at 7:10 am

    Top Model is almost entirely comprised of Poster Children. If you don’t got a sob story to some degree (raped, abused, orphaned, gay and people don’t respect it, pregnant at 16, suffering from a rare disease, or a social outcast), you’re not getting a spot on the show. Did I leave anyone out?

  18. 18
    labowner
    Posted July 17, 2012 at 9:55 am

    Lovesthebottises you forgot the token “over weight” size 8/10 chick.

  19. 19
    labowner
    Posted July 17, 2012 at 9:57 am

    Waffleboy if you can speak as smoothly as Mr. Haverford you should be climbing ladders in no time. :)

  20. 20
    sarcasatire sarcasatire
    Posted July 17, 2012 at 10:02 am

    @Waffleboy, this post has earned you a shot of Snake Juice on me! Meet me at the Snake Hole Lounge at 8. Donna and Tom will be there, too!

    http://www.snakeholelounge.com/special-events/snakejuice.shtml

  21. 21
    vallegirl vallegirl
    Posted July 17, 2012 at 10:03 am

    If you’re going to consider the finger pointers, they should be the Entitled Christians. They’re also likely to say things like “I’m not perfect, just forgiven.” They generally read the Bible through their Bible-Ayn Rand translator.

  22. 22
    wcsdancer
    Posted July 17, 2012 at 1:09 pm

    “They actually don’t make me feel good about my life. Not at all. Because that dipshit who can’t read without moving his/her lips made more money for a 2 hour “club appearance” than I did in my 60-hour work week.

    Which is why FUCK reality TV!”

    Word, spinal11.

  23. 23
    Pegalicious
    Posted July 17, 2012 at 1:17 pm

    @SuburBint, that was my first thought, too: Doctor Who rocks a bow tie.

    I’d love to go on a reality show, look at the camera with soulful sincerity, and solemnly say, “I’m not here to win. I’m here to make friends.”

    Alas, though, the only reality show that holds any interest for me is “The Amazing Race,” and I’m so far over the hill it’d take me the entire first episode to toddle to the vehicle. Provided I could even SEE the vehicles. Naw, I’ll just enjoy the all great ‘Gasm recaps while counting down the days until Sept. 30…

  24. 24
    itchy itchy
    Posted July 17, 2012 at 10:52 pm

    @wcsdancer: I’m comforted by the knowledge that for the overwhelming majority of reality show contestants, their celebrity will last for all of five minutes. They’ll spend the rest of their desperate lives desperately trying to recapture that magic. And yes, this will mean a brief resurgence of celebrity as they appear on a celebrity rehab/hoarders show. But at what cost?

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