First I’ll burn their socks. Then I’ll get them all kicked off the show and talk a bunch of crap about them. Then I’ll come in second. Then I’ll cry.
The Mata-Ho-Bag: Also seems to show up a lot on contest shows. Plans to use her feminine wiles (translation, her tramp stamp) to ensnare the male contestants and make them her slaves. This is another one completely oblivious to her own dipshitery. Often hooks up with the Douchenator which leads to plenty of pixilated sex captured on cheap night vision cameras. Usually as sexy as watching raccoons picking through a garbage dumpster on the nature channel.
I should also point out that in order to be a successful reality TV asshole one should show and not tell. The asshole should ideally do something that you can’t help but notice, and say to yourself, “Christ, what an asshole.”
Teresa from Real Housewives of New Jersey flips over tables, has bizarre tantrums, and blinks like a lunatic doing morse code with her eyeballs. Caroline from the same show gets other characters to get into fights with people she doesn’t like, while she tries to Jedi Mind trick us by constantly telling us she’s above all the drama. Guess who’s more fun to watch?
Did you pick Caroline? Guess again. It’s okay, I won’t tell.
Now, it goes without saying that every asshole you see on reality TV is a dipshit. So you could make the point that an asshole is just a variant of your run of the mill reality TV dipshit, however I’m breaking them into separate categories, because, 1, they are, and thirdly, assholes are so crucial to reality shows being watchable.
(While you can have a reality show with just dipshits and assholes, the next three people add their own flavor to the mix, and often show up, even if they aren’t on every show)
Bimbos and himbos. Attractive people who ideally parade around in front of the camera in as little clothing as the censors will let the network get away with, and never say a friggin’ word. Without these people Big Brother is one long field day for people who have to wear bike helmets when they aren’t riding bikes.
Oh look, Jesse lost his pants…again
It’s Christmas in July for Flipit!
Don’t get me wrong, your average ‘bo is usually a dipshit of biblical proportions, but they are pretty dipshits, and everyone likes a little eye candy on their TV.
The Poster Child
Ever seen someone on TV who uses a disease, illness, physical handicap, either their own or that of a loved one, in place of an actual personality? Say hello to The Poster Child. No matter what situation the producers drop these mooks into, the Poster Child will always find a way to relate it to their problem, and thus turn all attention towards themselves. They are very annoying, and really bad Poster Children can have you quietly rooting for their cancer to go out of remission.
This is Aviva. Did you know Aviva has only one leg? No? Haven’t been watching the show this season, have you?
I’m also including people who dedicate their time on TV to a dead relative, or about 33% of the people who compete on Chopped. These people are especially annoying when they only bring up their dead relative when they are being taken to task for making a mistake. It usually makes the judges very uncomfortable and having to almost apologize to the contestant for not allowing the contestant to give them food poisoning. Just once on one Chopped I’d love to see the following it of dialog
Judge: Chef, can you explain why you served us totally raw chicken?
Chef Poster Child: I’m here today to dedicate this to my brother who died three months ago…
Judge: Did you feed him chicken too?
Ah, well a waffleboy can dream. The Poster Child is also a great one for crying, which leads us to our next usual suspect.