TVgasm Investigates: The Housewives In Their Own Words

Hi there Gasmi, do you know what the best thing is about the internet? I mean besides free porn and kittens get stuck in boxes videos on Youtube? It doesn’t forget.  Everything that everyone has said or done  that goes on to the web stays there forever, and today we are striking the motherlode, because some very nice people over at wikipedia have listed all of those annoying little voice-overs the women do for themselves on the Real Housewives shows. If there is anything more fun than making fun of the housewives, it’s reading what they thought would make them look cool two years ago. 

REAL HOUSEWIVES OF ORANGE COUNTY

Vicki Gunvalson

 “I don’t wanna get old.” (Season 1) 

“Here’s to not being fake.” (Season 2)- Says the woman with square tits and a beaver face

“Everything’s got to be huge, large, and grand” (Season 3) – Hmm, nothing new money in that last sentence

“I want the power and the money, and I want them both.” (Season 4) – Apparently this was the season Vicki was possessed by the ghost of Tony Montana

“I love my family, I love my work, I love my life.” (Season 5) -Translation, none of the other women will talk to me unless a PA makes them

“I make my own money and I make my own rules.” (Season 6) -Translation, I’m cheating on Don

“My tank is full and I’m driving into my future.” (Season 7) – Now where is that damn debit card? BROOKS!!!

Tamra Barney

“I’m the hottest housewife in Orange County.” (Season 3)

“I’m not the new girl anymore, so watch out.” (Season 4)-In other words, if you’re younger and prettier than me, I’ll get you drunk and lock you in the bathroom with my creepy son.

“Housewives come younger, but they don’t come hotter.” (Season 5) – Translation, I hate Gretchen with every fiber of my being.

“I’m done being the trophy-wife. Freedom only makes me hotter.” (Season 6) -Hotter? You keep saying that word. That word, I do not think it means what you think it means.

Inconceivable!

 “I call the shots in my life now, and I have good aim.” (Season 7) – Not that I have to worry about aim with Eddie. For some reason he always tinkles sitting down.

Gretchen Rossi

 “I love the bling, I love the jewelry, I love it all.”(Season 4) - Well that should put all those gold digger concerns to rest 

“I’m smart, I’m sexy, I’m confident, of course people are going to talk about me.” (Season 5) – Uh no. They’re talking about you because you were engaged to a guy who died of leukemia who was old enough to be your grandpa 

“Happiness means never having to apologize for being me.”(Season 6) –  Translation, I’m dating Slade Smiley

 ”Don’t call me a princess, call me the boss.” (Season 7)  - [Insert your own cheap Slade joke here. Trust me, they all work]

 Alexis Bellino 

“Am I high maintenance? Of course I am, look at me.” (Season 5) -Just going by looks, I would have said you were fake. What the heck, we can use both! 

“God is my savior, my husband is my king, and my body is sinful.” (Season 6) – That noise you hear in the background is Baby Jesus scrubbing himself with bleach

“I thank God everyday for my life, and you would too.” (Season 7) Why do you keep dragging God into this? What did God ever do to you? I mean besides Jim?

Heather Kent (Season 7 – present)

“I may be married to a plastic surgeon but I am 98% real.” (Season 7) - So it’s the other 2% that starts fake fights over cake bows at parties you throw just to attract attention towards yourself?

REAL HOUSEWIVES OF NEW YORK CITY

LuAnn de Lesseps

“I never feel guilty about being privileged.” (Season 1 – Season 3) – And why would a former cocktail waitress ever have to feel guilty about being privileged?