TVgasm Investigates: The Housewives In Their Own Words

Watercooler

By WaffleBoy | Tuesday, June 26, 2012 | 12:36 pm | 9 Comments
Tagged: , , , , , , , , , ,
Posted in: TVgasm Investigates, Watercooler

“I thought I had it good before, but I’m just getting started.” (Season 4) – Translation, I found out about my divorce in a text message

“To some people living elegantly just comes naturally.” (Season 5 – present) -Wait, I’m confused. In the song you said elegance was learned…and that we were friends

 

 Ramona Singer

 “I love making my own money. I find that an aphrodisiac.” (Season 1 – Season 3) – you know, I could have gone my whole life without knowing this particular piece of information

“If people can’t handle the truth, it’s really not my problem.” (Season 4) – Translation, I’m an asshole

“I’m not afraid to say what everyone else is thinking.” (Season 5 – present) -See Season 4

 

 Sonja Morgan 

“I have a taste for luxury and luxury has a taste for me.”(Season 3 – Season 4) – AAAAAAHHHHHH!! Luxury is trying to eat Sonja!

“A little Sonja will spice up any party.” (Season 5 – present) – It’s like they always say, you can’t spell entertaining without toaster oven.  

 

Aviva Drescher

“Never underestimate a woman born and raised in New York City.” – Just don’t ask me to do anything that involves getting on a plane, or using an elevator, escalator, or a soft serve ice cream dispenser. Hey did I ever tell you the story about me losing my leg?

 

Carole Radziwill

“I may be a princess but I am definitely not a drama queen.” (Season 5 – present) – Did you know Aerosmith wrote a song about me? What? No, not Dude looks a Lady.
This week on separated at birth… 
 

Heather Thomson

“My success is built by making women look and feel their best. Holla! (Season 5 – present) – Your success is built on wrapping chunky women in industrial strength saran wrap. Holla!

 
 
THE REAL HOUSEWIVES OF ATLANTA
 
 
 
NeNe Leaks
“I don’t keep up with the Jones, I am the Jones! (Season 1 – Season 2) – Well it looks like the Jones’ kid just got popped for shoplifting at WalMart. /Boom! drops mic walks off stage with arms over his head.
 
“When I walk into a room, I own it!” (Season 3 – Present) – That’s because your kid…Wait, I just made a shoplifting joke, huh? Darnit!
 
 
Kim Zolciak
“In Atlanta money and class give you power.” (Season 1 – Season 2) = Maybe so, but box Chardonnay, and fake hair will get you a spin-off on Bravo.
 
 
First you get the power. Then you get the big goofy football player. And then you get the spin-off
 
“People call me a gold digger, but they just want what I have.” (Season    3 – Present) – Well, I know there are a lot of kids in India who would like their hair back.
 
 
Kandi Burruss
“I am an independent woman doing it for myself.” (Season 2) – That sex toy line? The handwriting was on the wall even back then
 
“I have fame and fortune, and I earned it.” (Season 3 – Present) – The fact that it drives NeNe batshit crazy is pure gravy.
 
 
Phaedra Parks
“I am the ultimate southern belle, I get what I want.” (Season 3 – Present) – And Blanche Dubois wants dead people
 
 
Cynthia Bailey 
“I know how to work it and be seen.” (Season 3 – Present) – Big Ups to Cynthia for kicking that pesky invisibility problem!
 
 
 
REAL HOUSEWIVES OF NEW JERSEY
 
 

Teresa Giudice

“People make fun of Jersey girls, but I think they’re just jealous.“ (Season 1 – Season 2)  - You also picked out your hair style. Hey, just saying.
 
“I’m a jersey girl, no one can knock me down.“ (Season 3) -That’s because your head is made out of cement
 
“When times get tough, you learn who your real friends are.” (Season 4 – Present) - We’ve been over this before, the voices in head do not count as friends
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About

Waffle's family would like to go on record and say he was raised by raccoons. You eat out of the garbage one time, and everyone suddenly gets judgmental. He's just going to point out, for the last time, with God as his witness, there was ice cream in that carton. However, the fact of the matter is he was born and has lived about 90% of my life in the Bay Area in Northern California. He's a long time cube monkey (office worker), who spends too much time trying to maximize the money he spends on his cable bill, and has a not so healthy love of all things that are dumb and fun, translation: needless explosions, cable neeckedness, and any time Steven Segal attempts to express human emotion only by squinting.

9 Comments

  1. 1
    labowner
    Posted June 26, 2012 at 2:26 pm

    Anyone wonder why they haven’t removed Peggy’s photo and replaced with Heathers on the Bravo page?

  2. 2
    Blissful
    Posted June 26, 2012 at 2:44 pm

    This was great! And bonus points for including Princess Bride and Lesley Ann Warren references!

  3. 3
    sheesh sheesh
    Posted June 26, 2012 at 3:02 pm

    Icon!

  4. 4
    sweeetbea
    Posted June 26, 2012 at 3:15 pm

    Hilarious!!!

  5. 5
    LAC LAC
    Posted June 27, 2012 at 12:36 pm

    OMG!! I am trying not to laugh too hard at work. That was funny. With the Atlanta Housewives, I always muttered something under my breath after all their tag-lines, but that NeNe one you did – FUNNAH!!!!

  6. 6
    L Boogie
    Posted June 27, 2012 at 12:53 pm

    This made my day….too funny!

  7. 7
    WaffleBoy
    Posted June 27, 2012 at 5:45 pm

    Hi LAC, actually I stole the NeNe joke from Sheree. She dropeped that gem on NeNe during the reunion.
    I’d also really like to thank Flipit for creating the character Drunk Kim Richards on his Next Week on the Real Housewives videos (Which if you aren’t watching you, you’re the reason little Johnny can’t read. Well you, and whoever wrote 50 Shades of Gray).
    And thanks to all you Gasmi for reading and commenting. You guys are the bestest!

  8. 8
    LAC LAC
    Posted June 28, 2012 at 7:59 am

    xoxoxo – right back atcha, Waffle!

    Ok, am the only woman of a certain age who has not read that book? Should I?

  9. 9
    realhousewivesfan
    Posted October 2, 2012 at 10:01 pm

    “Don’t TALK about my F-ING babies. I. Will. KILL YOU!!!!

    is almost as good as UNATTENDED BABY. haha

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