TVgasm Investigates: The Housewives In Their Own Words

Jacqueline Laurita

“Everyone likes to have nice things, but I’m not one to brag about it.” (Season 1 – Season 2)

“I can hold my own. I am my own person.“ (Season 3) - Bwhahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!

“I am a Vegas girl. I will call your bluff.” (Season 4 – Present) - Bwhahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha…crap, I think I just peed

Caroline Manzo

“If you’re gonna mess with my family, you’re messin’ with me.“ (Season 1 – Season 2) - You know, as long as they’re part of the 37% of Caroline’s family that she is talking to at that given moment

“Life is about change. Sometimes you just have to roll with the punches.“ (Season 3)

“Life is short. I have no time for drama.”  (Season 4 – Present)- Says the woman who was apparently sitting in Jacqueline backyard for two hours, in the dark, with an iced coffee, for no reason 

Melissa Gorga

“I live a life that most girls only dream of.” (Season 3) – Sorry, but most girls don’t dream of being married to a tiny man who had what looks like was a vaguely inappropriate relationship with his cavewoman-like sister.

“I never throw the first punch, but I’m always a knockout.” (Season 4 – Present) – Okay, we get it, you have fake boobs. Give it a rest

Melissa’s blouse allergy has reached the critical stage

Kathy Wakile

“People say that I’m sweet, but I’m tough, so don’t cross me.“ (Season 3)

“We’re old school. We believe in respect.” (Season 4 – Present) – And goading the Gorgas and the Guidices into fights. Man that never gets old.

REAL HOUSEWIVES OF BEVERLY HILLS

Taylor Armstrong

“It may look like I have it all, but I want more.” (Season 1) – So that’s why your mouth looks like a Pez dispenser? 

“I finally found my voice, and I’m not afraid to use it.” (Season 2 – Present) – 5, 4, 3, 2, 1, and Russell’s dead. My wasn’t that a fun story line?

Adrienne Maloof

“Having it all is easy, if you’re willing to work for it.” (Season 2 – Present) - Being in the lucky sperm club never hurts either

Kim Richards

“I was a child star, but now my most important role is being a mother.” (Season 1) – Did I ever tell you about starring in Erin Brockovich? Lesley Ann Warren ate my fruit plate, and then Brian Dennehy kept telling me it wasn’t my trailer… What? Kyle says that wasn’t Brian Dennehy, it was a security guard. Icon!

“People try to figure me out, but I’m one of a kind.” (Season 2 – Present)- Well it’s hard to argue with that one

Kyle Richards

“In a town full of phonies, I’m not afraid to be me.” (Season 1) – But you’re an awful person who can do the splits

“I’m not the richest girl in Beverly Hills, but I am the luckiest.” (Season 2 – Present) – Luckiest hmm? So that’s the explanation we are going with now for how you ended up with that house in Palms Springs?

Lisa Vanderpump

“In Beverly Hills, it’s who you know, and I know everyone.” (Season 1) – Yes, but that means you know Taylor.  Bbbbbbuuuuuuuurrrrrrn.

“Life in Beverly Hills is a game and I make the rules.” (Season 2 – Present) – Now things make more sense. I just knew there had to be a reason how you can go out in public with Ken and Jiggy in matching outfits.

Brandi doesn’t have a voice over intro, because she was a Friend of the Housewives last season, which is kind of BS the way Kyle and Kim jumped her in on game night. Still, if Brandi did have a voice over this would be my pick

“Don’t TALK  about my F-ING babies. I. Will. KILL YOU!!!!

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