TVgasm Investigates: The New Housewives of NYC

Hello Gasmi!  It’s time to get to know the newbies on the Real Housewives of New York City!

Heather, Carole and Aviva

Contestant Number One is Heather Thomson.  Heather is known for being the founder of Yummie Tummie Shapewear, which unless you are a Real Housewife, you have probably never heard of.  I’m not really up on the whole shapewear market, but aren’t spanx the be all end all of squeezing your lady rolls in to a sausage like casing?  Don’t worry – her whole world isn’t just shapewear.  Miss Heather has also helped launch clothing lines for Beyonce and J-Lo.  I guess when she isn’t slimming shit down, she is accentuating bootylicious asses.  Everybody has their niche.

For the sympathy card, Heather has a son with liver disease.  You would think that this would be an area that is kind of ‘hands off, my kid is sick’.  Not with these crazy bitches.  She and Ramona have a pissing contest over whose kid had the most troubling birth.  Can’t you find some common decency and fight over whose fake breasts are bigger like any self-respecting Real Housewife?

Contestant Number Two is Carole Radziwell.  You probably don’t recognize the name, but be forewarned – she is a Kennedy.  Very loosely.  Her dead husband (sympathy card) was Jackie Kennedy’s nephew (Her sister Lee’s son for those of you that care).  His father was a prince, so that’s a double whammy on the elite status.  I bet she shits solid gold.

You would think that with that kind of lineage, albeit her husband’s, she would have a little bit of class.  Well, she shows up to Sonja’s party wearing hotpants and is shunned because they are all uptight and dressed for a wedding.

Our dear Carole isn’t just housewife and celebutant.  She has won three Emmys and a Peabody for her journalism.  She has most recently written a book called ‘The Widow’s Guide to Sex & Dating’.  This is described as “a comedic novel about death, sex, and love, in that order”.  That’s kind of a fucked up version of a comedy which kind of sounds like the sex involves a dead body.

On to our final new housewife!  Aviva Drescher is to Real Housewives what Heather Mills was to Dancing with the Stars.  I guess an amputee is the new awareness fad.   A highlight of this season is Aviva going to get a pedicure and bringing her spare leg with her so that the toenails will match.  Way to think ahead!  

Aviva has four children, with two different fathers.  The father of her oldest dated both Luann de Lesepps and Sonja Morgan.  I’m sure that isn’t awkward at all.  Father number two is Reid Drescher, who is Fran Drescher’s cousin.  Their three children are all under 8 years of age.  Obviously with three small children, she has nothing better to do that sign up for a self-promoting, invasive television show.  I think we found mother of the year!  

While this all may seem rather boring, don’t worry.  She throws out the whole ‘white trash’ name calling agains Ramona and Sonja and calls Sonja out on being an alcoholic.

Well there you have it.  Hopefully this gives you an idea of your new Real Housewives and what to expect for the season!  

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