TvGasm Weather Report: Real Housewives of Beverly Hills

Watercooler

By WaffleBoy | Monday, February 25, 2013 | 2:57 pm | 9 Comments
Posted in: TVgasm Investigates, Watercooler

 **WaffleBoy predicts the Drama Weather on one of our fave shows, The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. Who will be back and who will get the axe?! 

Lisa: she’ll be back. You can’t have this show without her. This is just as well as we’re probably not going to see season two of Vanderpump Rules. The good news for that is it should give Kyle something to be passive aggressive about next season, or more likely to have Mo-Mo make some really snotty comments about it, and then wonder why the Vanderpumps won’t use him as a real estate agent. What does it say, that Ken, a guy who’s been wearing a Nigel from Spinal Tap wig since 1985, farts like a bean factory (at least according to your videos), and wears color coordinated outfits with a tiny dog is the best husband on this show?
 
Adrienne: At this point I’d be surprised to see her back next season, especially if she’s ducking the reunion show. I think she takes whatever money she gets from her fambly (they just sold their basketball team) and invests it in Viagra for the Steward spawn. Also, By the way, Ad is one lazy starfucker in my book. If you’re going to mortify your children with your dating choice you’d better be getting a boy toy who’s just old enough to produce legal ID.  She’s going out with a 31 year old guy. That fucknut is old enough to be a US Senator. What, there wasn’t one personal trainer in Beverly Hills with low self esteem who wants to drive a leased Porsche?
 
Kyle: As much as everyone hates her, and even though she has zero personality, I think she comes back. She hosts events for the other housewives to bitch at each other at, and I think she does whatever the producers tell her to. Also, I’m pretty sure she’s got Bravo convinced that she and her sister are a package deal. Also she reaches that much coveted whip their hair/do the splits at party demographic
 
Kim: I think she comes back, mainly because this is the only steady income in her life, because they aren’t going to be filming that Escape from Witch Mountain sequel any time soon. Still, I think Kim managed to burn through some good will with the audience this year. I mean, yes Kyle is horrible, but Kim isn’t all that much better, and as sad as it is that Kim likes the haha powder and the goofy juice, she really seems to have zero desire to stay sober. This means when she’s on screen, Kim is a just a drunk who’s not big on the concept of apologizing. For Real Housewives this is almost a plus, but it’s not very icon-y.
 
Brandi: Brandi will be back, cuz Brandi says shit about everybody. Although it might get tricky for Brandi in the long run, because eventually these women are going to wise up and stop telling her things. Seriously, I think I’d have better chance of keeping a secret by shouting it into a megaphone than whispering it in Brandi’s ear. I am kind of curious to see what happens with Brandi next season if Ad doesn’t come back, because she can’t keep telling us how Eddie cheated on her when she was pregnant, right? Right? Please say yes.
 
Taylor: Taylor is gone, end of times, dunzo baby, dunzo. And not just because every gossip site is shoveling dirt on her chances for next season. Not that she wouldn’t continue to be a complete drunken mess and a can’t take your eyes away from Wheels of Tragedy trainwreck, but if the one sin Andy ain’t too keen on forgiving is going seriously lose your house or your purse broke. Oh well, Bravo’s loss is the Piggly Wiggly of Cherokee Falls, Oklahoma gain.
 
Camille: Camille probably won’t be a full time Housewife (and if she has a brain in her head won’t ask to be, because the more you watch her interact with people the worse she gets), but there is no way she walks away from the show by choice. I get the feeling that Camille likes having a national platform to remind everyone her ex is one of the great buttheads of the last hundred years too much to pass up  the camera time. Besides she’s good TV, she drops in to scenes, says shit about the least popular person there, and helicopters out.
 
 
Yolanda: If it were up to me, and she wanted to be on next season, she’d need to have a come to Jesus meeting with the producers or Andy about what she is supposed to be bringing to the show, because her Martha Stewart shtick is some tired bullshit. I also don’t need to hear about being the perfect wife from a woman who went from Mohammad to David Foster like the baton in some 4X400 meter MILF relay. Although the season isn’t over yet. so she has plenty of time to lose her shit and start swearing at somebody in Dutch to earn a return engagement for next season. If there is anything this season of New York has shown us is that you can really fuck off for 18 out of the 22 episodes as long as you completely lose your shit in the other four. “This is ABOUT THE CHILDREN MISSING LIMBS!” makes up for a shitpot of boring lunches.
 
As for Faye Resnick and that Zanuck women, is this really the best Bravo can do in Beverly Hills? What they really need a rich, drunken, wingnut with no internal censor. Ideally somebody who could really get under Lisa’s skin. Not because I dislike Lisa, but I think Lisa’s had it way too easy with the other women on this show. They all have one simple obvious button, and when you switch it, they turn into screetchy needy bitches, and boom, Lisa wins. Get somebody on the show who honestly doesn’t give two tugs of  a dead dog’s cock about what Lisa thinks, and you’ll get some interesting TV.
 
I mean, that’s just how I see it. How bout you? Agree or not in the comments!
About

Waffle's family would like to go on record and say he was raised by raccoons. You eat out of the garbage one time, and everyone suddenly gets judgmental. He's just going to point out, for the last time, with God as his witness, there was ice cream in that carton. However, the fact of the matter is he was born and has lived about 90% of my life in the Bay Area in Northern California. He's a long time cube monkey (office worker), who spends too much time trying to maximize the money he spends on his cable bill, and has a not so healthy love of all things that are dumb and fun, translation: needless explosions, cable neeckedness, and any time Steven Segal attempts to express human emotion only by squinting.

9 Comments

  1. 1
    caligal
    Posted February 25, 2013 at 6:16 pm

    DIE, FAYE RESNICK, DIE, IN A HORRIBLY, PAINFULLY PUBLIC DEATH!

  2. 2
    Robin Robin
    Posted February 25, 2013 at 7:26 pm

    I think that comment needs to be #50 or #100 Somewhere!

  3. 3
    Gypsy Gypsy
    Posted February 25, 2013 at 8:28 pm

    Why is Vyle always in the middle. BLEEEEEEEECH!

  4. 4
    kthxbai kthxbai
    Posted February 25, 2013 at 9:19 pm

    @WaffelKnabe Danke for making me laugh so hard!

    I thought we were going to get Lee Ann Rimes to go up against Brandi though. I’m so over Morally Corrupt Faye Resnick.

  5. 5
    PLS
    Posted February 25, 2013 at 11:03 pm

    Who is this Zanuck woman? I’ve been only marginally attentive this season, but everytime I see her, she’s talking about sleeping with men who arent her husband. She’s been on 2 or 3 episodes and already has a shtick. And schlick is getting old at that. I agree with the author. Is this the best bravo can do? And Brandi. Brandi has a lot of fans who like her because she’s brutally honest, doesn’t hold back and keeps it real. To me, Brandi is just kind of dumb. She’s brutally honest because because she lacks good judgement and it causes unnecessary conflict. She’s a single mother struggling to raise 2 kids. This is enough to worry about without starting all kinds of superfluous battles because she has no filter. She would do well to take her own advice and stfu. And to me, her constant potty mouth is not so much a result of her keeping it real as much as it is evidence of an anemic vocabulary. And her constantly pseudo-flirting with ken is annoying and about 2 steps away from collar-pulling discomfort. And if Adrienne is a walking shit stain, befouling every white surface she touches,then Kyle is an actual piece of shit for trying to make Taylor appear like a neglectful mother on national tv. Taylor is such a chronically drunk hoe bag, that when she said she was going to Beaver Creek with her married lover, I wasn’t sure if she meant an actual destination or a state of mind. But Kyle is so repugnant, she makes taylor appear better than she is. Basically, everyone on this show is terrible except for Lisa and Yolanda. And watching a couple of women sip rose and collect lemons is not compelling tv. So basically, I think no one should come back. They should just burn Beverly hills to the ground and sow salt into the earth so nothing will ever grow there again.

  6. 6
    trkaelin
    Posted February 26, 2013 at 10:02 am

    Oh shit……. “two tugs of a dead dog’s cock”. I love that…….there’s got to be some way I can incorporate that into a sentence today.

  7. 7
    labowner
    Posted February 26, 2013 at 11:01 am

    Kyle is not going anywhere as she started this shit show. Lisa is turning into a reality tv whore. Really dancing with the stars?

    No sensible person wants to be on this show.

  8. 8
    L Chienne
    Posted February 27, 2013 at 7:23 am

    LOVE the comment about having a meeting to tell Yolanda why she’s there. No kidding. Taylor is painful to look at and listen to. Won’t miss that one if she’s forced to take a hike.

  9. 9
    Aunt Dorsey
    Posted March 1, 2013 at 2:32 pm

    I like the segments where Her Beigness tells the peons ‘vhat to do viss lemons.’ Her voice is so sonorous, it lulls me right into my evening booze snooze (I have to sip wine while I watch the Hose Wives). Way better than Martha Stewart’s plowed over Joisey syllables. Of course, it’s hell trying to read my notes back in the morning, so I can’t get the lemon Pledge recipe right. I’m waiting for her to do a Kandi Koated Nights thing and turn lemons into kegel balls. I can’t wait for that krafty segment. Or maybe she’ll show us how to make a Maloof-Hoof Loch Ness Monster Sponge Bob Square Pants apology log bouquet mit lemons.

    Or maybe she’ll make a lemon-powered bazooka and blow the Morally Corrupt Faye Resnick’s botoxed ass off the planet. If wishes were horses…..Gigi could have three.

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