As you may or may not have heard, Rip Torn was arrested Monday for a good old fashioned DWI after a collision on a suburban road in Westchester, NY. It just so happens that this incident occurred just a mere few miles from the house I grew up in; so I commissioned East Coast operative Caty, who shall hitherto be known as The Official Photographer for TVgasm.com Regarding DUIs in North Salem Involving Rip Torn.
That’s right, Caty trekked up to the crime scene and snapped whatever incriminating photos she could. She even spoke with the arresting officer, but unfortunately, he didn’t spill the beans about any of the good dirt. But we don’t need no “authorities” to get the real scoop. Thanks to Caty’s fearless photo-journalism, we have this exclusive peek into Rip Torn’s afternoon adventure on Hardscrabble Road…
As you can see, North Salem is a pretty lazy kind of town.
If it hadn’t been for Rip Torn, this car waiting at the intersection probably would have made front page news.
Here’s Hardscrabble Road, the unlucky thoroughfare that bore the brunt of Rip Torn’s alcohol-fueled recklessness.
This is the intersection where it all went down.
Hardscrabble may never be the same.
Here’s our dramatization of what happened that day:
Everything was just fine and normal that afternoon. The geese were doing their thang…
…when suddenly the piercing sound of tires skidding on asphalt filled the air!
As a swath of carnage lay in Rip Torn’s wake, local geese, fearing a similar, deadly fate, fled to safer meadows.
This is where Rip Torn was held and possibly sodomized with a plunger (but probably not).
Perhaps the very police cruiser that apprehended the storied actor.
No word on whether this unseemly event has derailed the much-hyped Ruth Keller Memorial Library Gingerbread Contest.
A cursory look at Hardscrabble Road reveals a very suspicious location…
North Salem Vineyard. We suspect that Rip Torn may have visited this winery during his booze-filled odyssey, and judging by the vineyard’s operating hours, we can only assume that Rip Torn was drunk for at least twenty-four hours before his accident, which occurred on a Monday.
The Blazer Pub: possibly where Rip Torn’s bender began. They have awesome burgers. I’m sure he had one. Also, a girl from the first season of So You Think You Can Dance used to work there. Maybe she still does. Maybe she served Rip. Maybe she should be held accountable.
Titicus Road. Important only because it’s one of the few roads in Westchester, possibly the country, that has the sound “Titty” in it. We can only assume that caused Rip Torn to laugh and later drive his car off the road.
Salinger’s Orchard. You know Rip Torn’s gone to town there.
The Post Office. I think we all know who’s mailed a package there from time to time. I’ll give you a hint. His name rhymes with Lip Thorn.
This has nothing to do with Rip Torn, but a few storefronts down from the post office is this pizzeria. Honestly, the best pizza ever.
In an effort to distance itself from the town drunkard, the local video store has begun selling Rip Torn videos at bargain basement prices. And that includes Dead Ahead: The Exxon Valdez Disaster.
Some dirt road. Rip Torn probably lives on it. The dark pock marks indicate where his wheels have spun out during several drunken journeys through the mud.
The high school marquee still displays events from before Rip’s accident, or as we like to call it, the Innocent Times.
Stanley Tucci, Campbell Scott, and Robert Reich went to this high school. And so did the kid who used to yell “MORTAL COMBAT!!!” in the Mortal Kombat commercials.
A trash can.
Some of you maybe wondering what Rip Torn was doing in such a quiet community. Obviously he came to check out the new Asian Bistro in town, Haiku. So metropolitan!
And it’s right next to D’agostino! It’s like we never left Manhattan!
The sole twenty-four hour establishment in the area. On most days, you’ll see just the local teens. The last time I went, however, I saw Blythe Danner. That’s right, Gwyneth, your mom bought a sandwich at a rinky dink deli. Tell that to your British friends.
Caty’s dog. He seems to be in a fine mood…
…until he finds out about Rip Torn. Let down by another role model…
The chickens don’t take the news any better.
They all retreat to the woods in fear that they too might become the next victims of Rip Torn’s wrath.
The local cows don’t care that much.
Neither does the town monkey.
Here’s Mischa Barton. Wait, what is this post about again?
Thanks Caty for all your hard investigative work!