Twitter Stalking: Lindsay’s Dad

I was in the mood to do a little stalking today, but I couldn’t decide whose life to peek into. Delta Burke doesn’t ever update her Twitter account so she’s out. I searched and searched and finally I came across a story in TMZ about Michael Lohan, Lindsay’s dad. He’s opening a club in the Hamptons called Controversy. What’s hilarious about this, besides the fact that he’s a drunk and his daughter’s an addict, is that PaLo recently became a preacher or some shit. I’m not just making that up, right? I swear I read it somewhere. He claims that his new club will have a service to take home drunks and all employees will be drug screened. “Who knows? It might become a family enterprise!” When you run out of children to sell, you might as well serve their friends some booze. Gotta make a living. Let’s check in on PaLo’s Twitter to see how he’s feeling about all this since he won’t return my calls.

HUH? Living the live you loved? What does that mean? Good Lord. Seriously, Lord, I’m talking to you. What do you think of all this? Are you LOLing? Are you totally into it? Are you BUYING THIS SHIT AT ALL? Cuz I’m not. There is a special place in hell reserved for this man. It’s next door to Jim Baker and some of those molesting priests.

Serving the Lord a nice cold Heineken. You know that’s what he means. Or serve the Lord papers so he’ll know you’re suing him for control of his estate. And that’s not a word of the day. It’s a fucking paragraph. You’re gonna be burning with the spirit of the Lord when he runs into you at the gates of Heaven and spanks your bottom, PaLo!

You know what would make this one thousand times less annoying? If he had replaced the words “blessed day” with “Egg McMuffin”.

The link is to a YouTube video with tinkly soft music playing over images of some white guy sobbing all over starving kids in Africa. I am assuming PaLo is not that sobbing white minister guy. There’s not enough booze in starving villages to keep him occupied, and it’s way too far to get Blackberry reception. How else would he publicly belittle his famous daughter if he didn’t have access to his Twitter account?

Um, thanks DAD. And you wonder why she presses ignore when he calls. For those of you who don’t know Psalms, here’s an excerpt from the link he provided.

Blessed is the man

who does not walk in the counsel of the wicked (Samantha? Her lawyer? Her mother? Dr Phil?)

or stand in the way of sinners (try and badmouth my bar and I will tell Paco the coke dealer to stay home)

or sit in the seat of mockers. (mocking is bad? I’m screwed.)

I’d like to think if this were written today, it would say

Blessed is the man

who does not abandon his family

who does not try and profit from the mess he made of his child

who does not get a DUI and then open a club while copying and pasting Bible quotes to his Twitter page, all with a straight face.

I can’t take any more. This man is a pig. Just spending ten minutes on his Twitter page has filled my heart with such sympathy for LiLo that I have decided to never ever make fun of her again (today.) Oh, and guess what his Twitter background is. If you guessed Jesus petting a lamb, you’re…WRONG.

He should have just named that kid BreadNButter

Now please, Delta Burke, TWEET SOMETHING!