Twittergasm: Stalking Heidi

Let’s give English a moment to bow its head in shame. Ready? Continue.

As you can see from above, there is trouble in twit land. Our favorite plastic (“people get like brain surgeries every day MOM!”) dumbass has been letting her feelings fly on Twitter. Joining them are bad grammar, bad spelling, and a very loose grip on reality. Let’s start May 23rd at 1:09 PM. Things were great back then.

Ah, memories of better times!

Under twenty hours after she claimed how she had the best sushi evah and proclaimed “I love me! And I love life! Every moment counts!!!”, things started going downhill. Let’s check in with Heidi’s last night posts.

First off, I have no idea which family members she is referring to there, but she better get off her mom’s ass, cuz her mom is AMAZING. I loved it when she told Heidi that she was prettier the way she used to be and then offered to put her food in a blender so she could eat. LOL. Long live Momma Montag! So maybe she’s not talking about her mom. Who knows? The important thing to remember here is that she’s accusing people of making money off her. Um, you can barely make money for yourself. Appearing on “I’m a Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here” doesn’t spell “rollin’ in it.” As far as your surgery being the best decision of your life, I think we can all agree that the best decision you’ve ever made in your life was posting that hilarious, badly lip sunc, rolling around on the beach home made music video on YouTube.

Because who doesn’t dream of looking like George Burns with a d cup and a wind tunnel? And I’m super glad that so many people have died fighting so that you could pay thousands of dollars to look like a hairless chipmunk frozen in time. She should star in some ARMY commercials.

Ah well, you have Spencer! He’s the only friend you need! Why am I taking a whole article to bitch and whine about Heidi? I don’t know. I like to randomly check out people’s Twitter pages because the real news is too depressing to deal with. I guess the thing that bugs me about Heidi is that I was a HUGE fan of The Hills’ first season. Heidi’s innocence and stupidity were charming and hilarious. The show has become a cautionary tale of what can happen to a mindless twit in this town, and I have rooted for Heidi from the start. I was hoping she’d have a happy ending, but that’s starting to look impossible at this point. Ah well, we’ll always have Twitter, won’t we?

My friend Tricia asked me what I was writing about, and when I told her she said “That girl needs a life lift.”