Vast Legion Of Internet Yahoos Make One Internet Yahoo Extremely Irate

Hi Gasmi, the other night they passed out The People’s Choice Awards, which allowed celbrities who had nothing to do on Wednesday to get a big hunk of glass and their picture taken, and as an added bonus was able to destroy my faith in my fellow man by giving a phallic shaped award to Ashton Kutcher. More after the jump.

To be honest, I didn’t watch this year’s People Choice Awards, didn’t watch last years, and hadn’t given the event any thought in decades. This all changed when I was just minding my own business over at OMG. (By the way, OMG is Yahoo’s webpage for celebrity gossip, and judging by the layout its target audience is 14-year-old girls with plates in their heads, and well, me.) Anyway, my happy little world began to crumble when I saw a picture of noted slack jawed mouth breather Ashton Kutcher holding a statuette.

Naturally when I saw this, I clicked on the thumbnail, and found out that not only had someone decided to give AK an award for “Favorite Web Celebrity,” but they had trotted out a whole host of crimes against reason as well.

Well, in these situations, whether it’s a natural disaster, terrorist attack, or Ashton Kutcher getting any form of public positive reinforcement, your first question is why? This led me over to the People’s Choice Award website to find out just why they would commit a crime of this magnitude. According to their website, the winners of the categories are chosen by the American people. The website referred to this as the fans choosing the winners, but I see it as the most effective counter-argument against democracy in the last hundred years. Let’s take a look at the winners, and prove my point.

As we’ve already seen Ashton Kutcher won for Favorite Web Celeb, which is I guess the nicest way of saying your TV show got canned years ago and your movies suck monkey balls, stink, appeal to a very select audience, but you twitter 200 times a day, so here’s your big hunk of glass. Then again, I’m maybe not the most objective voice on this subject, because I think that the cat that scuba dives got totally jacked on this one.

Keith Urban won for Favorite Male Artist, which isn’t that terrible because he beat out Eminem, Jason Mraz, John Mayer, and Toby Keith. It was kind of like the 100 yard dash at the Special Olympics, somebody was bound to win it. Of course the Special Olympics gets to keep the moral high ground because they don’t try to pass of their winner as the fastest man alive.

Jim Carrey won for favorite comedic star. Personally I thought this award was kind of awesome, because it was great to see all those people from 1992 used their time traveling Deloreans to go to 2009 and vote for their favorite comic.

Miley Cyrus won for favorite breakout movie actress. Now if you like movies you probably just pooped your pants when you read that last sentence, but don’t get too cranky. You know Miley won because all those tweeners voted for her. Although in about 30 years those tweeners will be running this country, so this award is a nice heads up that we will be conquered by Canada in 2040. Beauty eh?

The Dog Whisper won for favorite animal show, which is cool, but who the hell gives an award for favorite animal show?

Now just to keep all us haters out there honest, Johnny Depp won for Favorite Movie Star, and Ellen won for Favorite Talk Show. Those two make sense and keep me from wondering just who in the hell has a favorite animal show.

The final questionable award went to True Blood for Favorite TV Obsession. Don get me wrong, I like to see True Blood win awards, but for me the word obsession conjures up images of people writing their manifestos on the wall in their own poop. I just wish True Blood had won in a less creepy category.

Well, there you have it, three hours of prime time TV designed to systematically destroy your faith in your fellow man. At least that’s what it did for me. Did anyone watch this? Did anyone vote? Just curious, anyway, thanks for stopping by.

PS

In related news Quetin Tarantino won The Sonny Bono Visionary Award at The Palm Springs International Film Festival, so I guess we can look forward to him latching on to Cher and having a musical variety show, where Cher and Chaz systematically strip him of his manhood. Best of luck Quint, hope it works out for you