War of the Poseurs: Spencer Meets His Douchetacular Match

Nads is off setting up her spanking new, shiny computer so I am left here at Newsgasm. You know what that means, right? No, I’m not gonna make fun of People Magazine. There are actually shallower waters to tread today, if that’s even possible.

IT IS! Spencer Pratt has been on a Twitter rampage lately, telling off anyone he can think of to get a little attention. Today, he focuses on Perez Hilton. Who will misspell more words? Who will have the poorest grammar? Who will come of looking even less likable than they were before? Welcome to the Battle of the Douches!

When you care enough to send the very best.

Trying to read all the tweets for this “story” was like trying to decipher caveman scrawling on a really old wall. I’m waiting for someone to come out with a keyboard that doesn’t even require letters. Just little pictures. That would make more sense than what I’m delving into here.

It looks like this all started because there was a story in the NY Post today about Heidi and Spencer dropping their sexual harassment suit against Adam Divello, the Hills creator. Heidi wanted like billions of dollars cuz Adam supposedly grabbed her giant fake ass boobs. No one believed it, and even their money hungry lawyers suggested they drop the suit. The problem with the story is, well, Heidi has just made herself too f ing scary to touch by anyone without dish gloves and a bottle of rubbing alcohol on hand.

To make Spencer’s day worse, Perez started his morning with a story about how mean Pratt has been on his Twitter page to celebs in the past few days. Oh wah Perez it’s the start of a new Hills season. What did you think would happen? You think Good Morning America is dumb enough to have his stupid ass on twice? They’re still trying to get rid of the crabs and dandruff flakes from the first time. Anyway, his story was like three lines, but he threw in this pic for good measure.

Which led Spencer to start his insane ramblings. Poor guy may not know the difference between “your” and “you’re”, but he sure knows how to tell a yo mama joke! I would say attacking someone’s mom in an argument is bad form, but we are talking about the woman who spawned Perez, so bitch deserves what she gets. When asked how proud his family must be that he’s made his fortune of selling “haterade”, Perez responds that he just bought his mom a new car last week so she’s totally fine with it all. LOL.

Then Spencer starts going off about that Lauren Conrad sex tape that he supposedly had but no one could produce. Perez says it was all a huge lie and the only reason he printed it was because Spencer poisoned his innocent mind with false knowledge. Then Spencer says that’s bs and he’s gonna get the government involved to subpoena phone conversations proving the tape exists. Because that’s what the government does. They sit around tapping phones at Perez’ place and keeping up on their Hills gossip. It would explain their shit performance lately at least. Blame the economy on The Hills. It makes about as much sense as anything else going on here.

You guys, that I have read all these tweets and typed this many words about them makes me sick to my stomach. Sorry I couldn’t buy you a car to make up for my embarrassing the family, mom! Read Spencer’s tweets here and read Perez’ here. I am going to wash up now. I will leave you with my fave quote from Pratt:

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