ZineCap: InTouch

I made the mistake of reading the news this weekend. Most depressing thing ever. Now I see why America has decided to just stay ignant, Point is, no more news. No more real news anyway. Why worry about Iran’s crazy ass when we’ve got our own publicity starved crazed sociopath here in the states?

Well, I’m upset Snooki’s dad didn’t wear a condom. Whatever sickness was unleashed upon that Seaside Heights beach this weekend is his fault.

Poor Eddie Cibrian is all sad cuz he got fired from CSI: Miami so now LeAnne Rimes is “mothering him”. Who wouldn’t? I would treat him like a sweet little puppy. Call him pretty all day and crate him when gone so he can’t mess around with stray bitches. That man is gorge. LeAnn seems a little desperate here, but I’m chainsmoking and eating three day old pizza while she’s walking around with that so I’ll just shut my piehole.

LOL positive energy. Newborns bring two things. Poop and barf. Have fun with that, sucka! I hope this all works out just so mags can stop referring to him as Alicia Keys’ beau and start calling him by his real made up name: Swizz Beatz. I love saying that out loud. It’s like lisp prevention. All esses will now be zs. Thank you, Swizz.

I think this is the reset button Hillary Clinton gave Russia.

Suri was let off the leash! They’ve implanted a tiny GPS unit in her neck so she’s now able to run free. Is it wrong to hate children? This little brat has her own Escalade! Her mom is Joey and her dad’s a robot. It’s like a dream childhood! My fave quote is “When dad…was in town, the pair got ice cream at the Hotel Gelato, where they weren’t mobbed by fans.” Poor Tom! He probably got back in the car and cried and blamed Katie.

Well you should have tried harder you fat slut.

We know it’s not sociopathic tendencies. Those are out in full force. Some “unknown source” tells IT that Scott Disick used to bang chicks while his friends were in the closet videotaping. Sometimes they would pop out and Scott would ask them to join. I can’t tell if this story is suggesting he’s a perv or that he’s gay, but ew to both. Neither pervs nor homos need this fool on their side. He’s wearing seersucker, maroon and pastel, for crying out loud. Who needs the tapes? That outfit is enough to win everything in a divorce.

I have now completely forgotten what is really happening in the world. Thankzz, InTouch!