ZineCap: People

I’m sorry that I’m so obsessed with People Magazine, but seriously it’s a good source for conversation fodder in a super depressing world, k? We all cope in our own way. It’s late at night and I just wanna hole up in the house with a pack of cigarettes and really get to know some People.

How…easy listening of you.

Fantasia od’s on aspirin “and a sleep aid”. She probably had like three aspirin and ten ambiens and they came to the reasonable conclusion that aspirin is very bad for you. The hospital classified this as a suicide attempt. DON’T YOU DARE, TASIA! I make fun cuz that’s what I do, but I LOVE Fantasia with my entire being. You won’t leave this Earth until I see you do The Color Purple! And all this drama over a married man? Married men are the best thing for busy women. If he dropped the ball and let his wife find out then everyone should be mad at his stupid ass. I’m on her side. But if she does this again I’m going to the hospital and I am smacking her upside her weave.

I’d settle for “At least one episode that doesn’t make you either a. cringe, b. roll your eyes, or c. look over your shoulder to see if anyone is behind you shaking their head at you for watching this poo coming to Grey’s Anatomy.” That headline might be too long, though.

Ah, the flight attendant who got treated like shit for the last time and learned the greatest lesson of life. He opened his mouth, and he said what every person in the world needs to learn how to say clearly and with conviction. “Fuck. YOU.” The guy’s a star now, and God bless him. Sliding down the emergency ramp with two beers off the snack cart? He deserves every limo and free rent boy that comes his way. God bless America.

Just in case you guys forgot, George Clooney is a real man, k? He’s not some mamby pamby homo-sexul. He bangs hot chicks left and right! And not only that, THEY LOVE IT. What Elisabetta (that’s not a real name) probably meant is that in exchange for her services, George got her shit that’s better than plastic surgery. Like, a face buff and polish. Or a complete body repair. Get it? Car jokes. Cuz I’m joking about a MAYUHN!

I’m the mayuhn.

Everything. Is so. Druh-. (pause. Wipe brown. Kleenex some tears.) matic.

All of my maids. The end.

He’s probably rocking that baby back and forth right now cooing “You were supposed to get the top pick on People tonight, honey, but Fantasia fucked you. Fucked. You. Dry. Don’t cry. UGH this thing is crying get it off of me!”

We get it, People! Jeeze!

This was shot a split second before Kim reared her head back and swallowed the lil tadpole whole.

Kim K got death threats the last time she was photographed with the Biebs. If that’s not inspiration to call Elle and pitch a pervy photo shoot with the kid, I don’t know what is. Getting murdered would keep her on the front page of People for like two weeks!

Duh.

I would wear Sandra Bullock. Is that creepy?

Fergie’s cheap. SHOCKER!

1. Who cares?
2. Ugh yes you are and good for you. That woman deserves better.
3. But they do need men to become moms, in some way.
4. Rod Stewart Not Really Phyllis Diller: just as shocking.
5. All lies.

Boys only weekend? Did you invite George? Cuz he’ll cry if you didn’t. And Katie Holmes is always fucking shopping. Has there been an issue of this magazine in the past few years without pictures of Katie Holmes shopping? No. No there hasn’t been. I say good on her. She traded her soul for it, let her have her fun.

Kim K again. Wow. She works really hard you guys!

Cuz every time she sees herself making out with Richard Gere she thinks about all those gerbil rumors.

What the fuck does it mean in English?

It’s fun to watch this chick try so hard to scrunch her forehead.

What a waste of space. I want some in depth pet reporting, People! Like Pets who hump the carpet. Pets who eat cat poop and then kiss you while you’re sleeping. Pets who rape. There. Those are free. Run with em.

Ahhhhh. How are you feeling? I’m feeling completely, totally and even maybe over-, informed.