Nads is off today, which means I get to make fun of People Magazine! YAY I haven’t done a zinecap in awhile, and today Betty White’s on top. Literally. I’m taking it as a good sign.
Betty talks about still being horny at 88. She’s not banging anyone at the moment, but warns Robert Redford to watch his man sack. Did you guys know the highest new infection rate for STDs happens in nursing homes? I don’t think you’re ever too old to f either, so go Betty! You just have to look for different things when you get older. Does he trip on his balls? Cuz that could be a turnoff. Is he ready to die at any moment and did he make you sign a prenup? Do his butt cheeks look like wet Whole Foods sacks or slightly expired cantaloupes? And….horny.
Now we’re never gonna know how Maks can find a reason to shake his butt cheeks to the tune of “Hallelujah”. If you’re not hating Boyle right now, you’re not thinking of the possibilities.
They are so cute when they’re babies, aren’t they? Then they start growing up and asking you for toys and credit cards and iPhones and they get nasty and turn against you and say that Brad’s their favorite and you just wanna kill those little fuc….wait. You got them here on a plane and you can get rid of ‘em on a plane. “I’m sending you the hell out of my life!” “I’m hungry!” “That’s where you’re going, you asshole! HUNGRY IT IS!” Poor kids. Don’t screw with Angie.
Hopefully she will stop making horrible movies, which can lead to stress, which can lead to smoking. Or maybe she can get addicted to STAYING IN HER HOUSE instead.
Does his costar have a penis? Then no.
Embarrassingly obese woman walks children.
Lesson to all women: Insist on a ring or close your legs. Men are born bastards! She’s rumored to be dating a dude she co-owns a “ping pong bar” with though, so good on her. Still poppin out ping pongs at her age. Call Betty White and slut that city up, girl!
And crashes her into a tree that was accidentally growing in the middle of the aisle.
I always thought he looked smelly.
That he’s getting way less tang now.
1. Don’t care
2. Where’s LaToya?
5. Stop trying to make me care.