ZineCap: People

Time to check in with one of my favorite sites for a ZineCap. It’s been awhile, but People has been cranking out the gold consistently, so let’s do this!

Usually, she takes a cab to cheat. People are apparently still giving ole LeAnn shit about jumping on Eddie Cibrian, which I find super unfair. He’s on every “what celeb I would do given the chance and my spouse can’t be mad” list. Do celebs not have those lists since they’re already celebs or what? There are some humans so fine that no jury on the planet would convict you of doing them. Was anyone mad at Brad Pitt when he banged Angelina? Opposite. They blamed Jennifer for not being as hot as Angie. Fair? No. But neither is life, suckas!

Case closed.

People want to give their kids owls as pets because of Hedwig in the Harry Potter movies. It could be worse. The movies could use an actual mailman and start a string of mailman kidnappings across the country so every kid could have one as a pet. Sometimes you need to hurt animals to protect humanity. It’s called The Circle of Life.

You promised if I got you a mailman that you would take it outside and feed it. Now guess who’s stuck with the responsibility? And now you want a Playstation? Go f yourself, brat. I’m calling social services and selling you off. Leave the Swatch watch.

Man. Calista Flockhart must have been one foot in the grave then, cuz Ally McBeal made Portia de Rossi look, like, 98 pounds on that show.

You can get a gig as a Disney Kid and then transition into superstardom, millions of dollars, a hot husband with a job and a fresh little baby with nannies, too! All you have to do is…somehow figure out how to morph into Christina Aguilera. But then you’d have to listen to yourself blab some superficial bs advice all day. I’ll stay poor, thnx.

Now all you have to do is find a steady stream of reality shows that force you to exercise and you’ll be thin forevah!


You know her ass will be paying for both sides, though.

You’re Grace Kelly’s future daughter in law, you’re marrying a rich powerful guy, and you’re gorge. People are gonna be jealous, k? YOU’RE GONNA BE GRACE KELLY’S DAUGHTER IN LAW. That woman was an icon, and she’s passed on. What more could you ask for in a mother in law? STFU and find a hobby or an addiction or a dead end relationship with someone who’s totally wrong for you, like everyone else does when we get depressed. WAAAAHHH

Some girl famous for having the hiccups (moment of silence to ponder how low we’ve stooped) murdered a guy with some of her friends to steal $60 out of his wallet. Her mother at court to stick up for her kid, claiming that she can’t read, she has a learning disability, and she stopped developing at age 12. Brag about what a great mother you are, why don’t you? The poor little Hiccup girl broke down crying and on came the hiccups. You know the only cure for hiccups, right? Spankings. Which might have prevented this whole mess in the first place.

Uh huh. Those two are cuckoo and all, but the best part of this article, from the upcoming Harber’s Bazaar, is when Kati says that she knows she’s got “sex appeal in my deck of cards, but I like to get people thinking.” And thinking they are. About

Kanye beat 9/11! Congrats, buddy!

Boy or girl, you know that thing’s gonna squeal all through the night like a dolphin getting kicked.

Boniness is in again! THANK GAWD. I’ve really been getting sick of seeing so many fat people in movies.

1. It takes two to divorce, and if Court’s gonna be paying her husband’s bills for the rest of his life (you know she will be), she’s going to at least force him to stick around and get some chores did. Applause.
2. So sad. God bless.
3. This girl was cutting herself you guys. WTF? What happened to chain smoking and putting bricks through people’s windshields? That stuff only scars you on the inside.
4. Get back to work young lady! Crying is for when you’re alone in your giant mansion at night being all young and somewhat talented and gorge. I canNOT feel sorry for rich people. Cut me. A check.
5. And how she’s gonna gain it back:

Til next time, eat something.