ZineCap: US Weekly

It’s cold and I want to avoid going out of the house as long as possible. So let’s check out what’s up over at one of my favorite trash magazines, US!!

How is this the latest news, US? First of all, as a full fledged pasty fat person, I would like to tell Jennifer Grey to suck my underarm wobble. Second, Jennifer Grey bitching and moaning about how much she hurts isn’t news any more than Len letting out silent farts at the judges’ table without even knowing it. Poor Jenn. All together now: OWWWWWWW!!!

Hopefully not to an even number, cuz that never works out.

Oh LAWD. Driving me to suicide: the thought of Janice Dickinson trying to cry. How does that even physically work? She probably looks like a vulture picking over baby bones or something. True tears are not pretty. Especially on that one. A friends facebook status a couple weeks ago:

We really should have seen this coming.

She’s probably finally sick of hating herself after being around her naked ex husband all that time. How could anyone feel sexy after being with this?:

I feel hideous just writing about him.


Rumor has it that he doesn’t bathe much, so not hot. Sweaty butt doesn’t even work on him.


Bitch please. Play a fat person. Then we’ll be shocked. Stupid Natalie Portman. You and Gwyneth should get together and have a joint Bday party at the Golden Corral so we can all point and laugh at your hideousness.


But hosting the least watched Oscar ceremony in history will downright embarrassing. Mark my words.

Thanks for the tip. Now she knows where to have you served with divorce papers.


Call the real police and have them check under that thing. You know she took silverware from whatever event this was.

1. And she’s wearing clothes in them. Never getting famous. Has this family taught you nothing?
2. She woulda been more upset but she was drunk.
3. Phew. I was worried for the kid. It’s much more comforting to know that she’ll be beat by her mother instead of some stranger.
4. Well, Angie’s smart enough not to chase him around with a rolling pin while screaming “if you don’t bathe that sweaty ass I’m sending you back to Aniston you careless piece of CRAP” in public. Get them at home and then write this bs.
5. HA! Good for her. If it had been at a Wal-Mart we might get the impression that she’s ghetto.

Good thing for the next season of Teen Mom. Bad thing for the reputation of Social Services. Your government dollars hard at work, people.